Monday, 28 January 2013

@ Tutor Phil Storytelling and commission script idea 2

Obsessed by Peta-Gaye Brown

This script starts with the characters as children to develop a history between the characters and to show the love that the surgeon has for his wife.


  1. Hey Peta-gaye :)

    Sorry to the delay - again! Listen, I really like the preface to your story - the bullied fat girl and the gallant skinny boy; that sets everything up very nicely. That said, I think you could probably contract the opening still further, by only having one bullying scene, and having it at the teenage phase, and having it end positively, with the skinny teen stepping in and saving the day - transition from this to the wedding photo; you can just present it so that when the skinny teen intervenes, we see the love in their eyes; I can see how you could transition with a match-cut here; from the two teens looking into each other's eyes blending with the same pose in the wedding photo. (I'm only thinking of your running time here).

    I think you're now missing some information in the middle; for example, you cut straight to the surgery environment and the delivery of the machine, without actually showing us a) that he's a plastic surgeon and b) that she is always worrying about her weight and appearance. You need some kind of middle montage which shows their relationship being strained by her lack of confidence and desire to slimmer etc. We need to understand this dynamic - and it's disappeared from your script now. I want you to start boarding out your story idea, because this will soon make it clear what visual information you're missing or need to include. For example, when we first meet the teenage character, there's probably a way to tell your audience that he's interested in medicine - he might have a prop or something about his appearance that tells us about his character; these are the sorts of little visual details you need to start thinking about too. But yes, onwards - time to turn this into images! Be confident - make a start!

  2. Hey Peta, this is really good, i really like the emotion that the husband shows after her death, one thing i would add, is that when the bolts come loose and the bearings fall out, you could maybe have an insert shot of the husbands face with a sudden realisation of what is about to happen. But the rest is really engaging, and i also think that there needs to be a close up of the husband at the end, just before he steps into the machine.